Buried Treasure – Midlife Changes

Day 3

I’ve entered a sort of limbo-type stage of life called perimenopause. Women heading toward menopause, bodies preparing for it, used to fumble around without any explanation, wondering what the hell is wrong with them. Now we’re beginning to talk about it a little more and support one another on this strange midlife journey. The hormonal fluctuations cause me to jump on an emotional roller coaster, get warm or hot flashes, and have less predicable menstrual cycles. Some people close to me don’t even believe I’m going through it. That kind of gaslighting happens for so many women. I’m telling you I’m not mentally unhinged, just hormonally challenged.

Here are the huge gifts. I’m sloughing off more than monthly blood. I’m removing layers of insecurities and other old habits and beliefs that no longer serve me. I’m growing in confidence. I left my need for approval back down the road somewhere. I’m beginning to speak my truth more often, telling people how I really feel without fear of rejection. I feel good about my body, despite its surprises for me. I feel empowered as a self-identified woman, and have an urge to encourage other womyn to stand in their truth and light.

I will soon be a crone. I don’t know when that will be. It could be a few years or a few months. I will no longer bear any children, but I will always be a mother. Sharing wisdom feels imminent. I hope that I’m already doing that to some extent. I’m an natural teacher, and this new role feels comfortable and familiar.

Who says midlife has to be difficult or painful? I’m enjoying myself and learning more than ever these days. For those of you here with me, embrace the change. Hold on, it gets even better. ❤️

Confessions of a Grateful Human – Let’s Just Get Real

Day 29

Ok, I confess. I’m growing tired of doing these posts. I’m also really rewarded by writing them, so here I am again. 😉 Have you ever felt like misery would stay with you forever? Admitting I’ve been once again going through the mucky stuff of life doesn’t exactly feel like a gratitude post, but since when is everyone always chipper and positive all the time?

So that’s apparently what I’m going to talk about. Shit happens. Sometimes we need to let go or be dragged. I’m currently experiencing the latter. I can’t let go of all of the things, right? Or can I? Maybe I will eventually. What I’m most grateful for is that I’m present and aware, living life with a clear mind, or I wouldn’t be feeling all these big feelings so hard. I’m fully alive. Yay me. No, really, I appreciate the raw, hard core nitty gritty. It means I’m about to break open and grow a little more, bringing healthier behaviors. That, my friends, will open new doors for me. I can be happier and more at ease, making me a better friend and mama. I can be of service to my community. It’s all good, I can feel it coming.

I’m not writing to please anyone today. I don’t need your fucking approval anymore. I’m not saying It that way because I’m angry. That’s actually progress! I’ve cared what people think of me for too long. Now I’m finally free. This year, I stopped wearing makeup, shaved my head, started wearing leggings with fun patterns (oh my word, why didn’t I try these comfy pants sooner?), and made a video that will be on my friend’s website (I usually don’t like doing videos of myself). I had no hesitations about any of it. That’s because I’m ready to be authentic and real and raw, all the time. I’m also willing to have some fun expressing my true self, which has just come out of hiding. The air is fresh out here!

I had some huge unexpected emotional upheaval today, after a perfectly lovely morning. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it seems to be a big catharsis that’s unavoidable. Although I’m fighting it, feeling sad and mad and generally unwell, I know it’s really good for me. Like, amazingly good. I’m digging deep, getting to the heart of my imbalances, and releasing. It’s amazing how all the situations came together at just the right moment, exposing my darkness to the light and liberating me.

I think you’ll find that all of the things which no longer serve you will eventually fall away, leaving you with who you are meant to be. That’s what’s happening to me right now. There are some habits and behaviors I don’t need, but can be temporarily comfortable because they’re familiar. But if I continue holding onto them, I’ll stunt my growth. And I want to grow. So off they go, and here I come. Like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. 🦋

Confessions of a Grateful Growing Human – Relax, Slow Down, Ask for Help

Day 2

My message is that I need to relax and slow down. If I can’t relax, then I need to ask for help. I haven’t done these things today.

I prepared for my soon to be 7-year-old’s birthday party tomorrow, and haven’t really stopped until just now. I’m exhausted, but still feel the need to write about it. I yelled at my kids tonight, and I feel awful. I apologized, and know I’ll make amends over time, but I’m still so heavy hearted about how that must feel. I keep calling myself a gentle parent, but for now I’m just not. I’m heartbroken with that knowledge. My hope lies in my ability to come back to what my heart wants to say, and hold them close. I’m eternally grateful I can return to showing them all the love I have for them.

I’m hormonally altered by perimenopause, triggered by past trauma, and generally sensitive. I’m in a weird season of life, with rage surfacing unexpectedly, yet I’m still containing a fair amount of joy and grace. To call it a roller coaster would be insufficient.

So why do I share about all the hard times? There’s that lesson. The one about relaxing, letting go, and asking for help when needed, that’s what I gleaned from today’s insanity. I’m addition to all of that, I’m being made aware of the transient nature of our difficulties. My oldest daughter is highly sensitive, deeply empathic, and understandably excited about her upcoming birthday celebration. We are cut from the same cloth in so many ways, and the two of us often bounce energies off of each other. We are both fiercely stubborn about letting out all of our feelings. When her big event passes, I’ll be available to hold her, supporting the release of all of it. I’ll know that whatever I’ve done to prepare is more than enough.

It’s nearly midnight where I am at the time of this writing. I knew I had to say something before getting some necessary rest. I could have delved into the messy details, but I think my leaning toward gratitude is energy well spent and much more useful for anyone reading. Please be gentle with yourselves. We can only do so much, and most days we’re spectacular. Take breaks, cry hard, laugh even harder, relax and enjoy the ride. Have a party for a 7-year-old. Now that’s a way to find some joy.

Face it, you’re gorgeous

Here’s me at the playground, without any makeup. Why is that such a big deal? Because I used to think I needed it to cover blotchy skin, and subconsciously believed that I wasn’t good enough without it. With the exception of a couple of days here and there, it’s been 33 years since I’ve gone out in public without some kind of cover up. I’m so tired of the cognitive dissonance. I want to be honest and transparent, but I tell my girls that they don’t need makeup and they’re beautiful as they are, then cover my beautiful face every day. It’s time to get real and literally face myself.

Since I moved to Eugene, Oregon, something has shifted inside of me. I’ve grown and changed in ways I didn’t expect. One such thing has centered around my appearance. I’ve noticed how I feel about myself has affected how I’ve begun to present myself to the rest of the world.

Self-love is a process. It takes time to embrace all of oneself, in all of our beauty and uniqueness. We might refer to some things about us as “flaws”. I used to consider my skin flawed, from scarring when I picked at my pimples way back in high school. What I was most worried about for so long was how my skin looked and what you thought of it. I never outright said that last part, part of me knowing that it’s nonsense, that anyone worth my time wouldn’t care. But my insecurities ran deep.

Before my oldest child was about to be born, right around this time 7 years ago, I developed a face rash that appeared to be hormonal acne and rosacea. It lasted until March of this year (2018), just two weeks after I moved to Eugene. Why did nothing work in relieving it, and then it just went away without any treatment? Well, I have a story for you.

Seven years ago was the last time I saw my ex-boyfriend, an extraordinary human who has made a big impact on my life. We haven’t spoken since then, except for a few brief messages exchanged a few years ago. An honest appraisal of my feelings, coupled by an acceptance of them, seems to have led me to that moment in March when my face rash mysteriously disappeared.

The symbolism came rushing forth, and I realized that I was “facing” the truth, so my face cleared. I stopped hiding my feelings about this person who is currently not sharing his life with me, who I care so deeply about. It gets even deeper. I had a mysterious pain in my shoulder blade right around the time our relationship ended back in 2009. My body stored that pain until I was ready to release it. I’m not sure when it left me, but it was probably when I accepted my loss, and let go of my hope for reconciliation. Our history is filled with painful lessons that led me to immense personal growth. Our relationship has been a catalyst, a blessing in disguise, a way for me to face some of my deepest fears. One acronym for FEAR is Face Everything And Recover. I get to do that now. My body was trying to tell me something, and I finally listened.

As time went on, I grew more uncomfortable covering up my face. On 9/9/18, I believe it was also a new moon, my girls and I had just rinsed our freshly colored hair and we’re headed to the playground. I thought it would be silly to out on makeup just for that. I looked in the mirror on my way out and was delighted to see my flawlessly radiant face gazing back at me. What a gift I’ve been given, to finally love myself as I am, see the truth of my inherent beauty shining outward from within, and enjoy being playful and present with my kids.

We know beauty comes from within, that our bodies give us powerful messages, that everything is energy and we are all connected, right?

*Day 29. The Road to Recovery is Paved with Treasures

I’m pausing to reflect on all of my blessings in disguise. I’ve had countless painful and tragic experiences that came bearing gifts. I’m grateful that I walked through challenging times to find them.

I’ve had a couple of paradigm shifts as a result of misguided, fear-driven choices and behaviors. The first was my long battle with alcoholism and drug addiction. I tried for 15 years to control and enjoy my drinking, insisting I didn’t have a problem, then falling short of my ideal every time. I eventually had to admit that I needed to change everything or have nothing left to live for. I was blessed to find a new way of living, and I’ve been getting healthier and happier ever since. That day was March 8, 2003. I’ve experienced a miraculous transformation in my thinking and behavior. I have a connection to a power greater than myself that allows me to live free from the confines of my limited ego.

The other big life change was the realization that I’m not in control of anyone else’s behavior. I hit another kind of bottom I hadn’t expected. Being clean and sober for 6 years, I thought I had recovered this part of myself. Little did I know that my earlier recovery from alcoholism had just scratched the surface of a deeper issue. My codependency was at its strongest during a relationship that brought some painful lessons. This led me to a place of new desperation, an opportunity to find even more courage, serenity, and self-love than I had ever imagined.

All of these struggles brought me on an amazing journey, filled with compassion, love, and joy. I wouldn’t change a thing. A quote by Richard Bach says, “every problem holds a gift in its hands”. I believe that to be true for me today. Whenever I think my whole world is falling apart because something didn’t go as planned or I didn’t get what I wished for, I try to remember to practice gratitude for the valuable lesson that inevitably brings insight and positive growth. Everything feels divinely inspired when I can view it through a new kind of lens.

What are your blessings in disguise? If you had to do it all over again, would you change anything? When you let go, and let the lesson unfold, you may be delighted. I know that happened for me, and it will continue to reveal itself when I surrender to the present moment and choose to enjoy the ride.