Confessions of a Grateful Growing Human – Recovery Works

[photo taken on a hike in Eugene a couple of weeks ago, November 2018]

Day 25

I notice how all the attitude adjustment and things I didn’t say can bring peace to our little family. I’m grateful I can start my day over anytime. I heard that long ago in a room with a group of people willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. They showed me how to live with integrity, dignity, and grace. I learned to practice acceptance, surrender, balance, and gratitude. Sometimes I forget where I got all these gems that allow me to grow spiritually and live a somewhat serene life, one day at a time. Today’s the day to remember.

I was 15 when I had my first drink and got purposely drunk. I was a hot mess from beginning to end. What a profound blessing that my end was not death or madness. I was clearly meant to stay around a while, healthy and sane, even after all the damage I had done to myself. I hit an emotional bottom that brought me to my knees. I asked for help and have since been in recovery for a long line of days in a row.

I was 31 when I got sober, 16 years after my first drunk. That makes me almost 16 years without a drink or a drug. Most typical drinkers could take it or leave it alone, maybe have a glass of wine with dinner. I’m not like that. I’d prefer an entire bottle. Just grab me a pillow and call it done. So I’m eternally grateful that I’m one of those fortunate folks who’s had enough and received the gift of recovery.

I didn’t know I was going to talk about my recovery tonight. Maybe it’s been on my mind because I see evidence of my illness in others. I’ve been feeding my neighbor’s cat while she’s on vacation and I notice things. Not only is the cat unhappy, I see the disarray, the bottles, the rotten food. It’s a tricky sickness. It’s not like she’ll be super receptive to putting down the bottle, or even want me to intervene. Other health issues are much more straightforward. Alcoholism is an ugly beast, obscuring the beautiful person underneath. All I can do is share my experience, offer help, then step back and wait. It kinda sucks that way. But the amazing thing is that I just so happen to be her neighbor, and I just happen to know a thing or two about getting sober. There are no accidents, my friends. We are all in each other’s lives for good reason. Pay attention. Those opportunities are everywhere.

May you all find the path that leads to peace, whatever that looks like for you. May you never have to lose a friend or family member to addiction. May you never have to struggle with your own addiction. If you do, may you be surrounded with love, kindness, and compassion. 💜

Confessions of a Grateful Human – Gone Dancing

Day 8

Last night, I had the treat of going out dancing at a club to some kick ass live music with some awesome friends. My parents are in town, and agreed to watch the kids all night. I stayed out until 12:30am, and slept in until 8am. I’m writing a day late because of that.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve gone out by myself. Despite being tired, I danced almost nonstop for 2 1/2 hours. Even with beer spilling here and there and lots of people on the dance floor (space invasion for sure), I was in the zone. Dancing lights me up, and I know I’ve got to find every opportunity to move my body. It feels so good! The other great thing is that I’m sober. It’s been a long time since I spilled any beer, and I’m so grateful.

Yesterday was also a day to remember a particular first date that happened 10 years ago. Because I’m not currently in contact with this exceptional human, I celebrated our special time by myself. I wondered how I would spend the day. When I found out about the concert, I knew I had to go. Not only was the music attractive, I needed a way to celebrate my life and do something I truly enjoy. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. That’s important. By living my life out loud, I drowned out the noise that tells me I’m sad and miss him, and oh, why won’t he talk to me? Instead, I went on with my day and had a good time doing it. I was more joyous than I was melancholy. I did look back on a few highlights of our unforgettable evening so long ago, and relish the sweet memories. But mostly, I danced until I could dance no more. And honestly, I didn’t even think of him while I was out on the dance floor. That’s because I was present for my experience.

Besides having a chance to let loose and be free to shake my body to the rhythm of some fantastic bands, I was able to see a glimpse of what’s to come. It’s time I start balancing my time and get a regular babysitter so I can have some much needed grown up time. I treated myself with as much tenderness and care as I was shown on this day a decade ago. I love who I’ve become since then, and will continue to grow while I love myself as much as I wanted to be loved back then. What a wild ride. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Confessions of a Grateful Growing Human – The Gift of Recovery and Service

Day 4

I’m so incredibly grateful to have my shit together and fortunate to have resources. I’m safe, relatively sane, and continuously sober. What a stark contrast I see, as I drive from my clean, warm house, in my reliable vehicle, past makeshift camps by the freeway underpasses. I have never been completely desolate and desperate to that extreme, but I’ve teetered on the edge of insanity when I was still drinking and drugging, and had to scramble for a place to stay a few times.

I notice people trying so hard to hide their troubles, refusing to reach out for help. I just did a favor for my neighbor while they were out, and noticed the empty bottles, the overwhelming stench of trash against the backdrop of a filthy sink, and the freezer stuck open from food lodged in the cracks. Veggies are rotting in her fridge. I don’t live this way, ever. I feel her pain in the mess. I know she’s forgetting, it’s all blurring together, and I can see evidence of the drunkenness and depression everywhere.

How many people live like that and nobody knows they’re struggling? She can get by just enough out in the world, and I was unaware until I fed her cat a few times. I care about her well being, and want to help. But what happens when a person isn’t asking? When do we cross over the line? Is there a line? I’ve quietly scooped her cat’s litter box and swept the floor a couple of times. Today I threw out the food making the freezer stay open. I’ve considered talking to her, as a matter of concern. I said a prayer, and will meditate on an answer. For the moment, I’m letting it go and counting my blessings.

My gratitude cup is so full tonight, knowing that I don’t have to live that way. I’m healthy and know when I’m out of balance, I can and will ask for help. I don’t know why I’ve been able to keep my gift of sobriety, and others aren’t so fortunate. Some people go back to booze and drugs, and some don’t make it back. I do know with certainty that I’m meant to give it away to keep it. That means I share how I do this deal every time someone reaches out for help. I will be here, ready to be of service.

I’m available for service because I do hard core self-care practice daily. I write about gratitude because it’s saving my life, bringing me serenity, and perpetuating more goodness in my life. Through all of my complaints, I’m always grumbling toward gratitude. Thank you to all who struggle, and all those wandering who really are lost. You remind me where I came from, and what I’m here for. 💜

Amazingly Awesome things, part 4

Days 25-31
10/25/18
Day 25 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) Our bodies are magnificently made. I’m in awe of its inner workings and ability to withstand all kinds of challenges. I had around 5 hours of solid sleep and made it through the day relatively unscathed. I’m one of those folks who needs between 8-9 hours to function well, so that’s surprising. After waking at 4:41 to pee, then being awakened by Orion at 5:30 because she was scared and needed to join me in my bed, followed by Noa who needed to pee, I was initially wiped out, of course. But here I am. Pretty amazing that I’m actually typing coherently. Lol.

2) I finally got the message that I don’t have to be perfect. The word makes no sense when referring to humans. We just aren’t meant to be like that, or we would be bored and uninteresting to each other. All the things I’ve done imperfectly make me into who I am today, and for that I’m grateful.

I’ve spent a bulk of my lifetime trying to please others by doing everything “right”, whatever that means. Again, doesn’t make sense to qualify humans in that fashion. Well, I tired myself out. I eventually tried not trying so hard. That makes me more attractive and accessible emotionally to others, and confirms that I need to stop playing that game because it doesn’t work.

It’s so liberating to not give as many fucks. And when I make a mistake, I’ll admit when I’m wrong and change how I do it next time. Breathe and relax, start over again.

3) I’m daydreaming again. What fun that is, and how inspiring to believe in all that I see in my mind and heart. Envision what you want in life, and it will come. You can change and shift and expand all you want. The sky’s the limit. And nothing could be farther than the sky. ✨

Good night, all my wonderfully imperfect, daydreaming friends. I love you to the moon and back. ✨🌙💜

10/26/18
Day 26 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I had a lovely day with my littlest little, Noa Sage. Because her big sis got to do some super fun things today without us, I decided to offer Noa some of the same. I offered her pizza for lunch and a movie with hot cocoa after nap. Then we got to visit our friends before they took off for their own movie night with pizza.

Friday is Noa’s day off of school. Head Start is not super fabulous for her. I ask if she likes school and she consistently says “No”. To honor that response, I emailed another school to inquire about a tour. That’s notable, because I previously thought it would be a good idea to give Head Start a chance. I believed it would be beneficial for Noa to be with kiddos her age and stage, while under the care of grown-ups other than myself. I wanted to allow a gentle mingling of our differences, to teach Noa that there are other ways of looking at things. Besides, it’s free child care and not terrible. I was somewhat on target with most of that, but our values are just not matching up enough. I want Noa to expand her world with different views, but it means a lot to me for us all to be on the same page. They’re just not.

As I spend time with my little munchkin, I can see that she would love to be surrounded with like-minded friends who gently guide her through her day, allowing expansion of creativity and emotional growth, affirming her ability to make her own choices. She deserves that, and I intend to find that for her.

2) I keep getting reminded that good is the enemy of the best. I heard that once when listening to a speaker at a 12-step meeting. For those of you unfamiliar, someone gets up in front of a big group of sober folks and shares their experience, strength and hope on how they found recovery and how they now live a peaceful, productive life, one day at a time.

The speaker shared about her dating 3 men named Bob. The first and second Bob were good people but those relationships just didn’t quite work. She hit he jackpot with Bob #3, and they ended up staying together for the long term. She used that phrase, “good us the enemy of the best” to remind us that good can get in the way of what’s best for us. I typically want to go for the good, mostly when I’m in fear that it *is* the best. I do that all the time, even though that message stick with me for over 14-15 years.

As I wrap up my 46th year living as a human this time around, I think I finally get to see what’s best and actually go for it. I can do it with and for my kids, too. I’ve been living in lack and half measures for so long, I’ve forgotten that there’s more. What do I really want? If I already know, why am I not doing that? I deserve the best, and that’s what I’m going for from now on.

3) You know what else? I trust the freaking multiverse to provide whatever I need to have the best in my life. The what-ifs often lead to “I can’t afford it”. That has got to stop! My intentions are strong, my desires are clear, and I’m ready to be that bad ass I know I’ve always been. It’s one thing to accept what isn’t meant to be, and quite another to just relent in the name of surrender and acceptance. I’ll use those for the things I cannot change. There’s so much I’m actually in charge of and *can* change. Fear has been stopping me. Now I can choose to drop that rock and move on with my life.

*Bonus: Now I’m super fired up to inspire you to reach for your dreams. If you aren’t living the way that you desire, what’s stopping you? What do you really want? I encourage you to write down what you want. If you don’t know what you want, write down all that may be happening right now that you don’t want. How can you change it? I’m talking about stuff like your job, place to live, relationships (that’s one of the toughest to navigate, truly). I’m not saying just quit that job and give notice today, after breaking up with your partner. But take a look at what is resonating in your heart, and what you’re resisting. Then, make plans to honor all that’s in alignment with your soul. I’ve been given a gift of insight into my own life. Now it’s my turn to share it with you. Light up your life! You were meant to illuminate everything. 💡🔥✨💫💗

10/27/18
Day 27 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I like that we can see things on a continuum. I just randomly reflected on how queer I am. Way back when, I considered myself smack dab in the middle, equally attracted to both men and women. At the time, I only considered cisgender folx, since I didn’t stop and think about the possibility that not everyone is clearly man or woman. I’m currently like 77% queer (I might be more like 88% next week 😉). I’m totally making up that number just for fun. I completely identify as cisgender, and that hasn’t changed at all. What has expanded is my inclusion of everyone regardless of gender identification. Being pansexual has really opened up my world to the idea that I’m actually attracted to people, not specific genders.

The reason I started thinking about that came from my way of talking to my 3-year-old Noa about gender when I read her stories last night. She has these Highlights Hello books that have children on the back waving goodbye. In my mind, I made assumptions based on their style of hair or dress, but decided to use “they” to describe them aloud. Noa told me that one particular child was a “she”. I asked her how she knew that, and she told me that “she” is wearing a dress and has “her” hair up. I reminded her that anyone can wear dresses, and maybe that child is a boy. I told her I don’t know, so I’m going to call them “they”. Incidentally, all three children on this book have typical “boy” names. We had such a great dialogue, and I feel like I can support my transgender and non-binary siblings by continuing to educate about gender with my children. Noa currently identifies as a girl when I ask. My oldest, Orion, identified as a boy last year for a month or two. She now strongly identifies as a girl.

I know I have straight privilege, and I’m aware that my friends might not always have it so easy when it comes to sharing about their sexuality or gender identification. I’ve been supported and loved no matter what, and have been out as whatever I feel like for years. For those of you who weren’t so lucky, I see you and I support you for being exactly who you are. 🏳️‍🌈💜

2) The leaves falling all over our grounds are breathtaking. That allowed me to get centered when I went to take out my trash. I saw my neighbor walking down the path and shared that with her. The girls were having a hard time, and I had just told them to move all of their stuff so I could get out the door. I was able to listen to what was troubling my neighbor, and be supportive of her. Compassion and loving kindness can spring up anywhere. And it did this evening, serendipitously. All because of Autumn leaves and magic in the air. 🍃🍁🍂💗

3) Noa and I went on a hike this morning, before Orion came back from her friend’s house. Wild Iris Ridge is perfect for her. We walked a mile, and I got to remember to stay in the moment. I had a timeline, but plenty of leeway. Walking with 3-year-olds can be a practice in mindfulness or frustration, depending on your ability to stay present. I was kind of releasing time and sometimes holding tight. She’s always in the Now, and teaches me that I can choose that anytime.

Being mindful has been so helpful when it comes to any challenges with my kiddos. I notice that I’m much calmer when I can ground and center, and see that moment in time as temporary. That presence allows me to be the observer and the participant in any given situation. I can express my feelings and needs in a clear and compassionate way, and they are less prone to get more upset. At the end of the day, we’ve all done the best we can with the tools we have. My toolkit has been getting filled up with some new tools lately, and for that I’m so grateful.

*Bonus: I included social justice, humor, education, compassion, love of Nature, and mindfulness practice all in one post. I’ll add self-love and appreciation for family and friends, and call it a night. I’ve been especially sleepy these days, and my sheets are clean (another thing I’m grateful for).

May your dreams take you flying for the night, out into space, so you can see what’s really going on around here and out there. We are expansive collection of billions of galaxies. Can you even wrap your human brain around that?! Ahhhmazing. Enjoy your flight. 🦋✨🌍💫💜

10/28/18
Day 28 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I’ve fallen in love with Fall. The leaves are particularly lovely, but I think it’s just the general sense of slowing down and the obvious display of transformation that warms my heart.

I’m in a grand season of my own transformation. Maybe that’s what’s the most attractive about Fall this year. I typically have a hard time with the first twinges of a big change on the way. I’ve had a long stretch of preparation for what’s about to come. Some of the change has to do with my calling and purpose, and the rest is about my healing old wounds, cleaning and clearing the past to make space for me to be at my best, and finding my true voice.

All of my relationships are being affected. Some of my behavior has shifted into a place of peace. I still have residual yucky stuff that’s rising to the surface, but it dissipates once exposed. Although my challenges often seem insurmountable (today was like parenting graduate work), I can see light at the end of my tunnel again.

I’m finding a new path to tread, and it’s covered in the leaves of yesterday and raindrops of today. 🍂💦I’m thrilled to be walking in new places. 🌟

2) Speaking of new places to walk, we’ve now hiked at Wild Iris Ridge 3 times. I love hiking. There are rich opportunities for health and wellness out in nature. We got to see a salamander this morning, and visited with the llamas from afar. One of them always look at us when I say “Hi llamas”. They’re pretty cute.

I took close-up photos of leaves, berries, flowers and moss. I breathed in the clean, cool air. The girls walked on large stones along the path. Orion carried Noa when she got tired. We got back just as it started to pour down rain. It was glorious. I’m sure grateful we went out there, since our house is apparently unbalanced and the girls were acting weird there. It was such a contrast, I feel like the trees were begging us to come to them and find some serenity. It worked in the moment. All is well in the great outdoors. 🌲🌸🍄🍁🍂🍃

3) I’m grateful to admit that I’m a terrible liar, and get very attached to people with whom I’ve had deep connections. I’ve recently been gifted a release of self-judgment, an expansion of my already open heart. I’ve had a realization that it’s totally ok to express how much I care about a person, even when they aren’t around to reciprocate or participate in a conversation.

After we parted, I had a tendency to hide how I really feel for fear of being considered too overbearing or obsessive. I’ve done it with other people, too. It must be the healing of past trauma that helped me change that. I suddenly started opening up again about my love for him, and started expressing love for my new beautiful friends here in Eugene.

I had to tell myself more than a few times that I’m being appropriate, and I’m being respectful of any boundaries that might be present. Maintaining honesty and transparency in my relationships is more important than feeding my old ideas that I’m too much for people. When I get to the heart of the matter, my holding back has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my old patterns of unrequited romance and being the victim and martyr. That’s all the old version of me. I get to start fresh, and see my true potential and offerings in a brand new light.

*Bonus: I was told today to speak, to find my true voice. That is my medicine, and my gift to you. I will continue working on clean and clear communication. I encourage you to find your true voice. It may be conveyed through writing, singing, teaching, or talking on stage or video. Whatever it is, be honest. Nothing is more gratifying than someone speaking their truth.

Dream away, my friends, and tell me of your adventures upon return. Good night 🌙😴💤💜

10/29/18
Day 29 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) In the middle of my meditation, I hear the leaf blower outside. They annoy me, due to the noise and environmental pollution, and the ridiculousness of blowing leaves into a pile in the rain, only to have more leaves fall the next day. I also feel sad to see them go after the gorgeous leaf blanket display this weekend, with Nature’s beauty uninterrupted. I end up thinking it’s funny that I’m so distracted by this guy blowing leaves. I keep hearing a blast of air every time I try to detach. Here I am, 4 crystals in each hand, ready to connect spiritually or at least quiet my mind, and the lesson is all about letting go and laughing. I still don’t like leaf blowers; but ok, I got the message.

2) Just when I was about to write off a couple of things I could be doing or am still involved in, I got a positive message.

A teacher at Noa’s school was kind and attentive to her friend when she cried. I appreciate that approach. The owner at the dance studio finally called, right when I was considering another venue for my class. So, maybe that’s a message to give them one more chance? Not sure yet, but at least there’s good stuff happening.

I’m probably going to start my dance class on 11/8/18. That’s a good date to start something new. 😉

3) I’m increasingly aware of what isn’t working for me, and what’s perfectly aligned. Sometimes things are meant to be, and some are like square pegs in round holes. They’re just never going to fit. That’s all good news! It means I don’t have to make it work if it doesn’t, and I can gravitate toward the things and people that are a good match.

My apartment situation has worn out its welcome. My goal is to be totally done with that rental nonsense in less than 4 years, before I’m 50 years old. I’ll own a house on a piece of land by then. My dance class ideas and plans, however, are so aligned and comfortable, I’m not sure why I didn’t do it sooner. I actually think I just wasn’t ready, and probably needed to clear some stuff first.

What’s interesting is how these two things are interrelated. Once my class gets going, I won’t need to stay in this apartment anymore. Once I get in a flow with the class, I can expand. Once I expand, I’ll have confidence and motivation to do more speaking engagements, workshops, books, whatever calls to me. So, dancing in my living room is really paying off. It truly is that simple.

*Bonus: I understand the leaf blower values having a job, and the management wants to clear the walkways for safety reasons. I have empathy for folks who feel stuck in dead end jobs and stale relationships, who stay in cramped apartments with hundreds of neighbors in close proximity and limited choices. I get to open up to new choices and opportunities. I’m gearing up for big change on the horizon, and I’m ready.

Dream big, and your reality will be even bigger. 💜🌟🌈🦄🌟💜

10/30/18
Day 30 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I finally talked with Tim at Core Star Center, and will teach my first dance class by Tuesday, 11/13/18. He teaches taekwondo, and now I’m interested in having the kids take classes because it’s awesome. I got to watch him teach before we spoke tonight.

I’m really pleased with myself. I almost didn’t go this evening. I had to ask if it was because it didn’t feel like a good fit, or if I was just scared. I knew I needed to check it out, and of course I got my answer. I just broke my old pattern by following through with my plans. Now it’s time to get busy, then have a little fun. Yay for dancing and meditating and writing, oh my. 💃🏻🕉🖊📘

2) I’m kinda getting a tiny bit festive about Halloween and other upcoming holidays. My children’s enthusiasm is contagious. Every year for who knows how long, I start off by proclaiming that I’m not into dressing up or carving pumpkins. 🎃 The night before, I feel an urge to get wild and free. Maybe next year I’ll get more into costumes. I’m cool with ghosts, witches are rad, zombies are fun and creepy, mythical creatures are probably my favorite, and I always love superheroes. Next year, I shall be a fairy or unicorn. 🌟🦄

We’re trick or treating with our friends, and the Switch Witch will come in the night while they sleep, bringing vegan candies and maybe some toys. The Switch Witch helps when you’re not into your kids loading up on crappy food dyes and such, but still want them to have a freaky good time on Halloween. She knows what’s up. 😉

3) I hiked 2 miles by myself at Wild Iris Ridge this morning. There was a thick layer of fog, sun peeking through, and 43 degrees. Except for a couple of guys going on a run, and the sound of my feet on gravel, it was quiet as can be. I walked in silence for a while, until I heard little birds rustling in the bushes.

On my way back down the hill, I suddenly saw a deer run across the trail. I stopped in awe, then she stopped a distance away and stared at me. I said hello and thanked her for sharing her forest with me. What a graceful creature. 🦌💗

*Bonus: There was a part of me who wanted to sleep longer and was grumpy because I couldn’t, and I’m sure part of my grumpiness was anger at myself for staying up too late for the zillionth time. But, the other part of me got up, faced the day head on and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I did so many wonderfully healthy things for myself and others. I did something new and scary and amazing, like deciding to teach others that they can access intuition and inspiration through dance and sitting in silence. It’s kind of surreal how simple it is to teach this class. We’re just getting our groove on for 20-30 minutes, sitting down for 5 minutes without talking, writing in a notebook, then talking about how we feel. At the same time, it’s innovative. I’ve never taken a class like mine before. I’m pretty excited and confident about it. Apparently, when the teacher is ready, the students appear.

So, it’s just before 10pm, and I have a choice to get some much needed rest. Do I take the red pill (Facebook scroll for another hour…really, that’s way too long on here), or the blue pill (unplug and go to bed)? I think I want to be kind to my whole being tonight and sign off. I’m sure you will all let me know if I miss anything. 😉

Happy Old Hallow’s Eve Eve, everyone. Sleep well and dream about all things magical and mystical. Peace, love, and dark chocolate coconut butter cups.👻🔮☠️🎃🌟☮️💗

10/31/18
Day 31 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) It’s Halloween and my kids and I have had so much fun! 🎃 Every year, I think I’m not going to get into it, and I have a blast every time.

I wore some purple angel leggings while doing laundry, and decided to stay in that outfit. I put on shimmery makeup, grabbed some kitty ears, and drew some whiskers and voila! I’m a purple angel kitty. 😻💜 We went trick-or-treating in a nearby neighborhood with our dear friends. I saw a cute toddler as Yoda, whose mama said, “Don’t let her fool you, she’s a demon” (yikes), some sisters who dressed as peanut butter and jelly fish (they used a clear umbrella), and lots of superheroes and unicorns. Orion was a rainbow unicorn and her bestie was a witch (they were kitty mermaid and vampire skeleton in the morning), and Noa was Wonder Kitty by day and princess kitty by night. Noa thoroughly enjoyed trick-or-treating, and only got scared a couple of times. Fun was had by all, and now I’m tired.

2) As of tonight, I’ve committed to sharing things that end up being Amazingly Awesome in my life. What’s astounding is how these things don’t always start off that amazing. In fact, there are some situations that are downright disappointing, sad or complicated.

I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in gratitude practice is to find my blessings in all the yucky stuff. Blessings in disguise, that’s where the gold can be found. Richard Bach once said that every problem holds a gift in its hands. Once I reframe my challenges into opportunities, my life feels more manageable and I find joy in everything.

3) I’m listen to my body and respond lovingly. If I need to rest, I will rest. If I need to get moving, I go walking or do a little dance. If I need a break, I will find the time because I’m worth it and I deserve that time spent on myself. If I need help, I ask. Sometimes I can’t handle all of the things alone.

*Bonus: I know how to have fun! I also know how to slow down when I’m tired. Balance is key in all that I do. I’ve found some of that today.

Sweet dreams to y’all. You’re fabulous, and don’t you forget it. 🌟💖

*Day 29. The Road to Recovery is Paved with Treasures

I’m pausing to reflect on all of my blessings in disguise. I’ve had countless painful and tragic experiences that came bearing gifts. I’m grateful that I walked through challenging times to find them.

I’ve had a couple of paradigm shifts as a result of misguided, fear-driven choices and behaviors. The first was my long battle with alcoholism and drug addiction. I tried for 15 years to control and enjoy my drinking, insisting I didn’t have a problem, then falling short of my ideal every time. I eventually had to admit that I needed to change everything or have nothing left to live for. I was blessed to find a new way of living, and I’ve been getting healthier and happier ever since. That day was March 8, 2003. I’ve experienced a miraculous transformation in my thinking and behavior. I have a connection to a power greater than myself that allows me to live free from the confines of my limited ego.

The other big life change was the realization that I’m not in control of anyone else’s behavior. I hit another kind of bottom I hadn’t expected. Being clean and sober for 6 years, I thought I had recovered this part of myself. Little did I know that my earlier recovery from alcoholism had just scratched the surface of a deeper issue. My codependency was at its strongest during a relationship that brought some painful lessons. This led me to a place of new desperation, an opportunity to find even more courage, serenity, and self-love than I had ever imagined.

All of these struggles brought me on an amazing journey, filled with compassion, love, and joy. I wouldn’t change a thing. A quote by Richard Bach says, “every problem holds a gift in its hands”. I believe that to be true for me today. Whenever I think my whole world is falling apart because something didn’t go as planned or I didn’t get what I wished for, I try to remember to practice gratitude for the valuable lesson that inevitably brings insight and positive growth. Everything feels divinely inspired when I can view it through a new kind of lens.

What are your blessings in disguise? If you had to do it all over again, would you change anything? When you let go, and let the lesson unfold, you may be delighted. I know that happened for me, and it will continue to reveal itself when I surrender to the present moment and choose to enjoy the ride.