Buried Treasure – Poverty

Day 7

I’ve lived on paltry earnings for years. Somehow I’ve made it work. I loved my job working with teens, and now I’m a mama without an outside job and my kids are pretty awesome and worth it. I’ve qualified and accepted subsidies for a few years now. This week I was reminded of the not-so-hidden gifts of being in need of financial help.

People really come forward and give of their time and money. Organizations providing subsidies are actually proving themselves to be extremely supportive and helpful. The other day, someone who works as a counseling coordinator at Head Start brought over a huge bag for Noa. She had been out sick and absent for 3 days, so the worker decided to drop it off at our house. I was in awe of what Noa received. I do believe this angel dressed in human form was the one who personally shopped for all of these wonderful gifts. She got two new pair of boots, about 6-7 long sleeved shirts and sweaters, 5 pair of jeans, two footed pajamas, an art set and a doll. She had just received a brand new winter coat the week before. I’m so thankful for their generosity and what it took to make that happen (for more than a dozen kiddos besides Noa, I suspect). I also have a sneaking suspicion that my message is to keep her at Head Start.

After almost a week away from school, neither of us wanted her to go back. I’ve had some reservations about taking her there. Then that holiday gift package showed up. My intuition must be telling me something, right? As much as I’ve appreciated subsidized child care, I’ve also wanted to choose a learning environment that is more congruent with our values and teaching style. There is a notion, though, that suggests she can broaden her horizons and I can trust that she’ll be ok even if some things don’t resonate.

What has poverty taught me? I can survive and sometimes thrive on very little actual money. Prosperity comes in many forms, and I’m abundant in many ways. I’ve also learned that I have privilege. I’m on the high end of the spectrum when it comes to being low income. I’ve mentioned before that I can get help from my parents and have plenty of resources. I’m educated and knowledgeable, and have skills and talents to earn income in creative ways. My situation is temporary, and I will eventually be self-supporting and financially comfortable. Most importantly, I’ve learned to appreciate the flow of support from people in our community, most people I will never meet. Thank you for giving me more faith in humanity. One day, I’ll be the one with offerings like the ones you’ve given me and my children. I’m eternally grateful. 🌸🌹💜

Confessions of a Grateful Growing Human – Privilege

Day 24

I live indoors. As often as I’d prefer to live in a completely different indoor space, at least I have shelter. For that, I’m so grateful.

My new friend Rachel isn’t so fortunate. It’s late Fall here in Eugene, Oregon, and she has to find an awning. Sleeping outside isn’t like planning a camping trip, especially when you don’t have other options. I’ve camped out of necessity before, and it’s no picnic. She has a city enforced curfew from 6am-6pm, no tent, is basically hiding out under a canopy of trees in 35-40 degree weather, just trying to survive.

I’ve met Rachel twice now. I see her for the second time on Friday morning. I buy her some food at Trader Joe’s and I ask her how everything is going. That’s when she tells me what I just mentioned, that she needs to find a way to build an awning, for protection from the elements. It’s hard to convey what I hear her telling me. She has hash browns from the demo stashed in her pockets, presumably embarrassed to ask for more than one sample. Her choices are limited. She can’t just go get a job. She has one black coat, is missing a tooth, can’t sleep well, barely eats, and doesn’t have adequate shelter to stay warm and dry. So of course I’m buying her breakfast and lunch, damn it.

Next time I’ll ask where she stays, and bring her a tarp and whatever she needs for that awning. I’ll add a few bucks and some socks. Did you all know that socks are considered “white gold” by folks who have to sleep outside? They’re so valuable. If you’re not sure what they need, keep a pack of socks in your car. There’s a strong chance someone will need a pair.

The message is clear. Even in my current low income standard of living, I still have loads more resources than Rachel. Why? Because my parents periodically send gift cards for Trader Joe’s. They’ve paid for my gas for about a decade, when they bought me my car. I’m 46 years old, and probably don’t deserve it. But they had the means, and I have reliable transportation. I get reliable child support, don’t work at an outside job, and still have enough cash to pay my bills and feed myself and my kids. When it rains, we can come inside…and stay. That is what’s called privilege. I have it in a few different areas of my life. I can live in poverty and not really feel like it, because of my privilege.

If you don’t recognize your privilege, I encourage you to take some time and reflect. Not all of us have privilege; but those of us that do will usually take advantage of it daily and not be aware. I have economic, educational, straight passing, and white privilege. I’m sure there’s more I can’t think of at the moment (because that’s how privilege works). I won’t forget that when I meet someone who doesn’t have the same advantages. We’re all in this together. Let’s not let people starve or freeze to death if we have the means to change it. I’m so grateful I had my family to turn to when I didn’t have anywhere to live. Now it’s my turn to give back. 💜

Amazingly Awesome things, part 3

Day 19-24
10/19/18
Day 19 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I’m unusually tired and kind of blah today, and I still managed to get through the entire day and enjoy most of it. I got Noa to the park for a bit, and she napped so I had a moment to myself. We went over to our friends’ house for a play date and had a really nice time.

2) I wrote a gratitude list. I write one word columns in a notebook, using gel pens of different bright colors. I’ve been doing that daily list for about 14-15 years off and on. It’s grown from 5 things to more than a hundred. When I’m consistent, it shows up in my every day life by shifting my attitude and reframing all the things that could have been worse. That’s why my day wasn’t shitty, and was actually quite excellent. I encourage you to try it. Start with 3-5 things, and work your way up. Write them down and say them aloud if you want.

I express gratitude all day long. My kids and I have had a practice in the car on the way to school. They stopped getting into it lately, so I do it by myself. But what’s super cool is my ability to affect their energy just by saying them out loud. Even witnessing someone else’s gratitude has the power to transform. I’ll say things like, “I’m grateful they let me pass, I’m grateful for my Yerba maté, and there’s that funny ghost! I love that.”

3) I’m comfortable and warm, and suddenly recognized that privilege. As much as I’ve complained about apartment living, the place we’re in is safe and secure, we have heat and light and blankets, plenty of food in our fridge. I drive by plenty of folks who don’t have any of that, many of them cold and vigilant, afraid and alone. I’m blessed to have a place to call home.

*Bonus: I’m getting better at creating space to care for my needs, and deepening my understanding of what it’s like to consistently set clear boundaries. I had an epiphany tonight. If I feel like people (like my kids) are expecting too much of me, I have a choice to just not do all of what’s expected. Sometimes I say I’m not willing to do something, but have been doing it anyway, angry at them for trying to push boundaries. What if I just said “No”? My kids would be very upset at first, and I might even hear lots of protest with screaming or yelling. Then what? Well, they would know that’s my limit because my “No” would mean “No”.

Did y’all know that “No” is a complete sentence? I heard that a long time ago, but have never truly implemented it into my daily life like I’m about to do now. No, I won’t do that. Not I can’t or please stop asking me. Just NO. Not only does that allow me to take good care of myself, it helps provide clear, consistent limits for my children. As much as I’ve enjoyed saying “Yes” as a practice in relaxing restrictions and indulging from time to time, I still need that No. I’ll probably get plenty of practice tomorrow, and the next day.

May your dreams bring pleasure, insight, and intrigue. May you get all the sleep you need, and wake up ready for a fresh new day. Good night. 💤✨🌙💜

10/20/18
Day 20 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) In the midst of a day that started rough and felt hopeless, I saw a friend at the park who was like a bright light. I didn’t even tell her how hard things were with my kids today, but when I shared about something else, she listened and reflected on her own experience. I hadn’t seen her in a while, was just thinking about her, then she so happened to be at the park. How about that for synchronicity?

2) I admitted when I made mistakes. And boy howdy, did I make quite a few this particular day. My attitude could use a little adjustment, and hormones have been controlling me. But I had the wherewithal to be honest and make amends. It was like climbing Mt Everest without any gear. I’m all banged up, but I just kept trudging, and here I am.

3) I’m fiercely sentimental, and make deep connections with lots of music. I listened to Indigo Girls while cooking dinner. Let’s just say every lyric spoke to me. They’ve got the knack to launch me into a reverie with so many of their songs, so I downloaded as many as I could.

Speaking of downloading songs, I just got Apple Music and I’m so impressed. I have a 3 month trial and I’m devouring the tunes. I also finally got Shazam, so I can identify any song anywhere. It’s incidentally connected to Apple Music. I hope that all of the artists get enough compensation for it, because I love having all that talent at my fingertips.

*Bonus: I just pulled off a gratitude list and 3 amazingly awesome things after a day from hell. Miracles do happen. 💫🔮💗

10/21/18
Day 21 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I made banana pancakes this morning, and only looked at the clock once or twice. Although I had another early wake up that felt intrusive, I managed to turn everything around by staying present and being determined to have a better day.

I’m an excellent cook, and have a knack for creating all kinds of delicious meals. Apparently making pancakes is not as easy for me. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the precision needed with some of the ingredients, and the fact that I’m distracted by two tiny humans. But this morning, I used a familiar recipe and was fairly uninterrupted, so the experience was ok and the pancakes were worth the effort. They’re mighty tasty. 😋

2) We finally went on a hike here in Eugene. We hiked up Wild Iris Ridge, which is a fairly easy one with littles. I initially thought we ran out of parking spaces, but decided to turn around to try again and there was a spot.

I took a load of gorgeous pictures of the landscape and my happy children. We saw llamas in a field next to the trail at the very beginning, so that was a good sign. The leaves are in full autumn splendor 🍂, sun shining and bright blue skies. There are tons of wild blackberry bushes, so I’m already making plans for Spring. It must be covered in wild flowers (iris, I suspect). 🌷🌸🌻 We came home happy, hungry, and tired in a good way. I clearly enjoy moving my body, and my body agrees with me. I will need to continue that trend with dancing and so on, as the weather gets colder and darker. For now, I’ll take the glorious sunshine, crisp cold morning air, and contented friends romping around our hills. ☀️🍂🍃🍁💗

3) I took the girls out to the playground, and we saw our neighbor friends, a fellow mama and her little girl. It was so nice to reconnect with them. I loved spontaneously meeting up and staying out until 6pm. We had leftovers and freshly baked muffins, late baths and all is well. I’m so glad I redirected them to the outdoors, instead of allowing a DVD.

I decided to forgo any more movies for the girls during our time of pleasant weather. In the last month or so, I’ve been letting them have way more screen time than I usually would. The cumulative effects of that indulgence and the inevitable consequences are showing up in our every day lives, and I’m no longer willing to take that chance. It was mutually beneficial in the short term, in that I would prepare meals or do some self-care like meditate. But what started as 30 minutes turned into 2 hours! Anyone who knows me as a parent would be shocked. Lol 😂 Anyway, Daniel Tiger and Mr Rogers aside, that’s way too long to be stuck to a screen. Nature provides much more. Orion climbed a tree today. 🌲

*Bonus: I calmly clipped Noa’s nails in about 5 minutes, just before bedtime. Like Orion at her age, Noa is terrified of nail clipping. I kept trying to do it while she slept, but her little hands were tucked into her chest and she kept stirring.

The key to getting her nails clipped without a complete meltdown and shrill screams was all about my attitude. I went into it decidedly calm, and was consistent in my approach. I gave her crystals, comforted her, clipped as efficiently as possible with her writhing fingers, and we were done. Thank goddess! I even accidentally cut her pinkie and she handled it so well. We got a Hello Kitty bandaid and I cut it into a tiny strip. She thought the teeny tiny bandaid was so cool. 😻

And so it is…another day over and life is good. My theme today seems to be about attitude shift and choosing to do what feels good and makes me happy. Yay for so-overs, every single day. 🌸

May you snuggle up and snooze with the coziest blankets, dreaming of happy things and adventures to come. 💤✨🌙💜

Day 22 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I stayed at school this morning to support a new parent friend, and it helped me, too. People need to hear that they’re not alone, that we are all in this together, and that this too shall pass. I hope she left feeling these things, and knowing that she and her family are loved and supported always. I feel like I made a deep connection that will blossom into a lasting friendship. 🌸💜

2) I love to stretch my body, mind, and spirit. I’ve been feeling sore the last few days, and my body is appreciating a stretch or two. My mind is constantly expanding, revealing information and insight to me.

Who is that one who is me? I suppose I could refer to that as spirit. When I stretch and grow spiritually, I lead with my heart. Did you know that our heart can affect others, and has its own energy body? I’m not even sure if I’m saying that right, but the point is that it’s powerful and I’m paying attention. ❤️

3) I’m feeling my life’s purpose here and there. It’s still somewhat elusive, but I have a tip of the tongue sensation kind of knowledge of what it might be. In other words, I’m feeling a sense of what I’m supposed to be doing here for this lifetime. More will be revealed in time.

*Bonus: We got to hang out for a spontaneous play date with our school friends today. It’s so great getting to know each other better, and make future plans. Yay for friends! 💝

I’m extra tired tonight. I even fell asleep nursing Noa this afternoon. Remember Facebook folks, looking at a screen is not good sleep hygiene. Hope you like my post then get your booties to bed. Lol 😂 But seriously, taking care of yourself is important and you’re worth it. Muah! 😘

Day 23 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I’m being so consistent and following through. Doing gratitudes of any kind is pretty rad anyway, but to write down and publicly share every single day takes commitment and dedication. Accountability to myself keeps coming up for me lately, and I’m doing all the things I say I’m going to do.

Being grateful transforms my attitude. I’m calmer and happier as a result, and that’s good for me and everyone close to me.

2) I had an easy, “go with the flow” day. I didn’t consider it lazy or unproductive, I just chose to not do too much and it’s totally ok. I love that I’m not worried about all the stuff I gotta do.

3) I got confirmation that my intuition about setting boundaries is right on. Isn’t it grand when we can trust ourselves? That means I knew the answer to her question before she said anything. That means I’m confident about how I’ll approach the situation, because a part of me already knows how to handle it.

*Bonus: I’m being succinct! Back in my school days, my most formidable writing challenges were summaries. I was never sure of how to give a brief synopsis of what the author was conveying. I’d include copious details that were unnecessary. Yay me for getting to the point.

Good night! Sleep well, my friends. ✨💗

Day 24 of Amazingly Awesome things:

1) I’m witnessing myself growing and expanding. I just briefly commented on some thread after seeing a photo gallery and story of a lioness sparing a baby baboon from certain death. Some of the comments were atrocious and others were heartwarming. It was a veritable mess, honestly. Well, instead of feeling disheartened by the lack of humanity and kindness, I was kind and compassionate. Then, after some weird and pretty rude reaction from someone, I lovingly set a boundary and detached. And I really did let it go, which is pretty phenomenal. I typically get fairly disturbed by the mean and nastiness people tend to show in online discussions. I’ve had a hard time looking away in the past. This time, I disengaged. I’m healthier as a result.

Here’s what’s up with all of that, and why it’s important for me. I care about my own well being. I also care about how we all treat each other, because we are a global community. The other crucial change is that I really don’t worry about what she thinks of me or if she takes it to heart. I’m not here to convince them of anything. But if we are in a community, I’m going to participate in our improvement. I won’t allow people to just spew all that garbage and let it eat me alive. I want to live, just like the baby baboon. And I don’t just want to live, I want to thrive. I can only do that if I speak my truth. I’ll have more to say about all of that again, I’m sure. I’m finally stepping into my truth, and I’m no longer afraid of the pushback. I feel like I just walked through some magic doorway. Way to go social media, you just helped me practice boundary setting again. Lol.

2) I’m grateful I’m sensitive. In contrast to letting some comment roll off my back, I recognize the value of my sensitive side. I feel *all* of those feels. I even feel the feeling’s feels. Lol. But seriously, I do have a tender heart because of it. I’m not always comfortable with my sensitivities, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ll keep practicing better ways to live with that. I plan to lead with my heart until after it stops beating and my body is dust. ❤️

3) I talked with Orion about life and death, about our bodies, how they’re useful to us now but will eventually turn to dust. Essentially, I had a little chat with her about impermanence and enjoying the present moment. She’s been super concerned about not having “stuff”. So I gave her examples of things I adored that I’ve lost. I had just broken a mug I had managed to keep around for about 20 years. But it was time to let it go. Everything that came out of my mouth seemed to be divinely inspired. I’m not sure I could even relay it to you now. All I know is that I reached a part of her I’m sure she had forgotten, and I reminded myself at the same time.

It all started with her crying about some sparkly kitty ears I had given her. She wanted the kind Noa had chosen, then they traded and those ears were breaking. We all break down eventually, I told her.

That’s when I gave her some of the real deal. Life isn’t about the plastic kitty ears, it’s about the laugh and smile when you wear them. It isn’t about collecting more stuff, it’s about being here, right now. All stuff goes away. People die. So why waste your time on lack when you have so much to live for?

*Bonus: talking to my child about life and death and presence has reminded me to walk that walk. What do I really want? I was asked that in my favorite psychic reading group. I reflected on that all afternoon, and saw clearly what I really want, and what I’m doing instead. Hmmm. What I really want was so clear, I think it’s time I start doing it. What better time to live than right NOW?

Be here now. It’s easier than trying to be there later. Ok, I’m tired. Goodnight all. ✨🦋🌈🦄🌸💜

*Will Work for Food*

[written 4/27/18]

I’m standing in line of the food bank with Noa strapped to my back, making pleasant conversation with the lady in front of me, when I smell cigar smoke. I turn around and ask a man to move and he takes a minute to actually leave. I’m suddenly furious. Like, completely livid. He responds nonchalantly to my boundary, then laughs while correcting me about it not being a cigarette. By then, I’m beside myself. I tell him it isn’t funny, that I have a boundary and it isn’t ok to have smoke near us. I raise my voice, the nice lady tries to gently warn me that they will come out to stop us (from fighting), wants me to calm down. I tell her I don’t care, that I have a boundary that deserves to be respected. At some point, he tells me he really should quit, he knows it’s bad for him. I say I understand, that I’m in recovery and know a lot of smokers trying to quit. I’m really wanting to be compassionate, but today just isn’t the day. I’m beginning to feel an illness coming on, I’m already in a long line at the food bank, for fuck’s sake. A few minutes pass. My eyes are welled up with tears, I’m trying way too hard to hold them back, simultaneously wanting to let them all out.

A few minutes pass. A lady behind me says, “awww, she must be freezing to death”. It’s 60 degrees out and Noa’s dressed warmly. I snap back that she’s fine, thanks. She laughs, and I’m not sure why but I’m infuriated again, interpreting her comment to imply that I didn’t dress Noa appropriately. People had previously been discussing the weather. It’s Eugene, Oregon. The report said 80 degrees, and the weather surprised us with clouds and cooler temps. I’m standing in line with a bunch of poor folx, some with completely different perspectives. I’m also aware that some people laugh when they’re nervous. There’s a part of me that realizes she meant no harm, just wanted to make conversation, and maybe she meant that it’s colder than expected outside. Well, I’m not in the mood for conversation, so I tell her I just don’t feel like talking right now. I never even looked back at her. I felt like I was unfair to her, like I could’ve at least looked her in the eye. Maybe she would see my pain, or I would see her need to connect. So, to the lady behind me at food bank on Tuesday, I’m sorry. I’m usually so much kinder and like making conversation with people. Not today.

I go inside, tell the nice lady that stress does something to a person, that I’m usually kind and easy to talk to. Then I mention how grateful I become the minute I enter these doors. She agrees, and we both reflect on how humbling it is to come here and receive all the goodness. I introduce myself. Her name is Deb, her partner Harold (I think?) She had been telling me about her back issues, so I send her my blessings with all of that, and we say our goodbyes as we wish each other well.

I move forward to shop, and cigar smoker man is beside me. I say, how are you, can we start over? I ask his name. He’s Bruce, in his mid-60s it seems. We shake hands. I thank him for moving away, tell him I’m practicing speaking up more often, he smiles and says I could be a little less harsh. I don’t confirm or deny that, but thank him for respecting my boundary. He says he doesn’t smoke in front of his grandkids, we make more small talk and go on our way.

I can smell the faint aroma of cigar smoke as we walk toward our car. He was at his parked car nearby. My anger rises up again, I notice I forgot to lock our car, briefly express gratitude that everything’s secure, put Noa in her seat and break down in a sea of heavy tears. I’m exhausted and relieved to be going home. We didn’t get much today, but it’s a gift I dearly appreciate. I’m reeling from what just happened. I still feel dismissed by Bruce the cigar smoker man who apparently thinks it’s ok to challenge me (and the no smoking sign). I also wonder if my peacemaking efforts undermined my work at being more assertive. He was wrong, and initially was pretty much an asshole. That said, I don’t want to constantly be on the defense, angry all the time.

The last thing that really stands out is that we are all standing in line for free food because we are in economic distress. I’m learning to recognize my privilege in this situation. I’m educated and have been given many opportunities that others there haven’t. I’m also being gentle with myself. It’s not easy hanging out for nearly an hour because I can’t buy all of our groceries.

We get home at the same time as my neighbor, Olga. She walks over and offers me a loaf of wheat bread, something I intended to buy later. I tell you this to remind myself that there are no accidents. She doesn’t speak much English, but her gift spoke volumes about her generosity.

As I write it all down, I revel at the irony. The other day, I asked in meditation what I need to do to be financially self supporting. The overwhelming response was “write.” Then, after a pause, “write, write, write.” Ok, then. All of these experiences need to be shared. Going to the food bank gave me something to write about, something to push against, and something to feel grateful for. My experience is a catalyst for change.